Playing Video Games With Eight Year Olds Online

As I logged into Fortnite, I heard a prepubescent voice chit-chatting over his microphone.

YOUNG CHILD
It’s time to get shwifty!

Oh boy. Wasn’t sure how I felt about a child making references to an adult cartoon. I suddenly felt a lot less cool playing the same video games and watching the same shows as an eight-year-old.

The game began. For those who don’t know, Fortnite is essentially Hunger Games, the video game. You drop into a giant field in teams of four, search for weapons and supplies, and try to outlive the other ninety-six players. Oh, and the field gets smaller as time goes on.

The child started blabbering non-stop into his mic, as if he were a sport commentator. Ah, the simple times. The playing field began shrinking. Our other two teammates headed toward the center of the map. The kid, however, seemed preoccupied with gathering supplies. I turned on my microphone.

JOSH
Hey kid, I think we should follow our teammates. Storm’s getting closer.

BOOM! The kid shot a rocket at me. What the heck?

YOUNG CHILD
Let me rocket-boost you!

JOSH
Huh?

YOUNG CHILD
Stand right over there!

JOSH
What does rocket boost mean?

YOUNG CHILD
When I count to three, you jump, okay? One, two…

I jumped. The kid shot a rocket past my feet. I think it was supposed to send me flying into the air, but he missed and hit a tree.

YOUNG CHILD
I messed up. Do you have any more rockets?

JOSH
Sorry, I don’t have any rockets.

YOUNG CHILD
That’s okay, we can find more and try again later.

I noticed the storm right behind us. Our teammates were far, far away.

JOSH
Kid, I really think we need to go.

We started running after our teammates. The giant storm nipped at our heels, then swallowed us. Our health began draining rapidly. Great.

YOUNG CHILD
Do you have any bandages? I need bandages.

JOSH
Let’s get out of this storm first; I’ll give you bandages afterwards!

YOUNG CHILD
I really need bandages!

JOSH
No time, kid! Just run!

The kid was almost out of health. I had a decision to make.

JOSH
Sorry kid, you’re on your own.

YOUNG CHILD
What?

JOSH
Every man for himself, this is how the world works! Bye!

I reached the edge of the storm. The kid was now dead, but I was alive. I turned around the corner and got shotgunned by another player. Game over.

Ultimatey, I was grateful for the opportunity to interact with the younger generation, and teach one of them a lesson about self-preservation. The end.

I need to stop playing video games.

Josh out.

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